24 11 / 2013
23 11 / 2013
17 11 / 2013
08 11 / 2013
Ok, it’s been a while. So i just wanted to share some thoughts that’ve been in my mind lately, and well, even though probably nobody reads this, it feels good to spill it all out.
So, first of all, college is hard. If by any chance someone is reading this at the moment, he /she is probably laughing. Of course it is! I knew college was going to be different, harder, more professional and all that, more demanding i guess. But oh, the most naïve side of me couldn’t even imagine the great effort i was going to HAVE to do. And i say HAVE and I mean it. If you don’t break your ass off working every single fucking day you’ll not be able to follow whatvthe teacher says from then on, and it’ll be insanely complicated to catch up with everything later. It’s bullshit. I really feel like a baby doll crying for a very stupid non-important issue, but i cannot fucking help it. The worst thing is that i love my career, i really do, it’s just that sometimes i get the feeling that it’s too much for me. Like ‘who do you think you were for even thinking about studying that’. Don’t get me wrong. I’m smart. At least smart enough, but i just can’t handle it right now. And i don’t know what to do, nor how to stop this. It fucking sucks.
Then again, as usual, i’m the one who’s having trouble. I mean the ONLY one. All my new friends, which are absolutely awesome by the way, seem to be pretty cool with everything. While they study and pass apparently effortless every exam, i don’t. I fucking don’t. And of course i know they work as hard as i do, probably harder , but it gets me sick. I’m happy for them, i really am, but the selfish me thinks all the time ‘why can’t i have their brain?’ ‘Why can’t i be just as smart as they are?’ ‘Why can’t it be easier for me?’…
I’m pretty fucked up right now. A friend of mine says it’s like a fase, like some sort of crisis that everyone has at the beggining of something big and different. I really hope i get over it soon. ‘Little by little, one travels far’ Tolkien said. I fucking hope the man was right.
So yeah, this is it i guess. I just wanted to spill it out. Sometimes when you write things down you think clearer.
Thanks for reading if you did, and sorry if i disturbed you. Xx